I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”