GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.