I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Name this drama.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man