Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel