I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Basketball
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me