The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Self-cleaning conscience
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.