Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
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I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Isn’t
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”