I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
You Might Also Like
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back