You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Ah..makes sense now
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
“We will wed,” I threatened
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up