Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
You Might Also Like
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”