Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.