when u come home smelling like another dog
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band