CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid