is this meant to deter me
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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
An odd boast
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.