Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.