I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!