A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
How funny!
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.