*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”