Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
You Might Also Like
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?