[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*