Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Natural selection at its finest
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Ha
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I know
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour