Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
getting corrected
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.