My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up