Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
You Might Also Like
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth