Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.