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My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*