February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.