I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Lmao
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
LOOOOOOL
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.