Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.