[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
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If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.