Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
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*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
✌️
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.