Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi