“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Customize Your Wedding.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
TRAIN’S HERE
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Nice try Hitler
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.