[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
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I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.