*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade