The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun