As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My love language is hissing.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?