Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
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Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’