i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
You Might Also Like
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?