breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously