I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
If you love someone, let them tweet.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.