People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
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[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
How to make infinite energy.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.