[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
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Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I’m having an out of money experience.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.