Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
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By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.