*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select