Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.