*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
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If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
#merica
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The Book. The Movie.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*