I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?