The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
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How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
This is sending me to another galaxy
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Love it! 👍😂
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.