Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.